Don’t feed the seagulls

Is this your first time seeing seagulls? Do you not know that they’re like flying rats, that will swarm anyone in the vicinity if you draw them? Do you want to get pooped all over?

Do you not feel the seething rage of those around you who now can’t sit quietly and enjoy the sounds of the wind and waves over the screeching of gulls, and who know getting pooped on is something that may well happen to them because you are playing this game?

I’ve sat on the beach watching that family feed seagulls, completely ignoring the fact that they are annoying the [expletive] out of every family around them on the beach… So enthralled with their own game that they are turning the area into a scene from The Birds – they don’t see the small children on the next blanket over having to duck the attack of gulls seeking their snacks, or senior citizens trying to rearrange themselves under their umbrella in hopes of not being dive-bombed or pelted by bird poo on the wind — now at roughly face level.

Of course it’s winter here. Why am I remembering this kind of seaside stupidity now?

Because we took the ferry over to Surry, and morons went from throwing food out of their car windows to getting out and throwing food at the birds, drawing them into a frenzy directly overhead. Or over other cars that in at least one case had been very recently washed.

Dude, you get this car pooped on and piss off my dad, and imahafta get out and tell you what-for. And I’m conflict-averse. I don’t want to do that.

So what I’ll have to do as this unfolds is hope those birds poop right on you.

Hehehe. That’s right. We’re hoping you bring the repercussions back on your own literal head.

Ho ho ho