Yesterday, I came very close to a full-on meltdown. The process of acquiring a first home is stressful; I’ve watched enough people go through it to already have known that. Except you don’t really know until you know.
On the plus side, everyone who knows, knows exactly why I have this crazed look.
So yesterday it was, from my vantage point, all looking like a disaster. Which is almost funny to me, because the night before I had hardly any sleep but I had instead a very good prayer time. I prayed for my friends and my family, one by one, the needs that I know of, and the needs I know He knows better than I ever could. Our Father, our Fortress, our Strength, our Provider, our Healer. And then when I prayed about the house, it was far more a time of worship than of supplication. In spite of all the moving parts, I was (almost, or anyway fairly) peaceful. The more clearly I see Him, the more I know there is nothing to fear and nothing to worry about, not because He promises to resolve it (He hasn’t) but because His goodness and His power are without limit and beyond understanding. He shows Himself faithful every day, in ways great and small, and knows my needs better than I do. Be glorified, O Lord.
What is there, then, to fear?
And yet 4 hours later I was so bound up in the details (oh the enormous, terrifying details) and the (alarming, panic-inducing) threat of delays I don’t know how I would work around, and my own inclination to catastrophize the whole thing, that I could hardly see. An odd mix of awareness that this is the opposite of faith, shocked to shaking with the stress of it all, He intercedes for me on the minute; do I not know He knows this is major to me (and yet so small compared to all He can do?) and still I am spinning my web, trying to come up with contingencies to solve this myself, planning out mostly unreasonable punish-my-bank scenarios.
How easily I take my eyes off What and Who is important.
And of course there are the other elements running down alternate tracks that never fully stop. Work: the merger, the meetings, the projects, the performance reviews, the uncertainty. Not just for me, but for everyone around me as well. The people I love who are hurting. My friend’s car accident that morning. And we hadn’t even yet gotten to the filling that fell out last night (mercifully pain free, as yet)…
Yeah, yesterday was a near-meltdown day.
My sister prayed me in off the ledge, which was good.
So good. Because I suspect that the storm most in need of stilling was the one inside me, not the one around me. Though of course He can address both, equally, if that’s what He purposes.
He is good, at all times, in all ways, in all circumstances.
Right down to having given me this family (including the family-of-friends) who love me and pray me through the crazy.
I don’t know what will happen next. So I guess we will just see what will be revealed today.