I’ve had 4 dream cycles tonight. I know this, not because I remember my dreams tonight — in fact, I only remember that I dreamed, their substance quickly draining away as they were swallowed up by the anxiety. No, I know I dreamed 4 times because between each sleep cycle, I got up to pace a bit before going back to bed.
Filed under “”Fear of failure.” Cross reference at “Stressed out over small stuff.”
The work anxiety is very high right now. It will pass; it always passes. And I am fighting to remember that it’s not about me.
But still: be gracious to me, a sinner, O Lord.
And please make my projects work out – not for my sake, but for the sake of my clients, who are counting on me.
And I am definitely not sufficient. To any of it.
I stress. Yes, I stress, and then, just of late, I fantasize of running away. Packing light, as is my wont anyway. Heading out, bouncing around the country. Getting myself lost. Hoping to stumble into some other life, somewhere else.
Maybe today has a theme song…
The boy would remind me that I’m imagining changing my life as if it will change me… that the thing I’m wanting to run away from, most of all, is me — and that is the one thing that I will always be taking with me.
(Yes, I remember the boy now and then, and always fondly. But not with any illusions or any regrets. I do hope he’s well, wherever he is. Maybe married to a nice cubana? Filed under, “Things I may never know.” Cross reference under, “Things I don’t need to know.”)
He was right, though, about why I imagine running away now and then. That it’s me I want to run from. Because the running would take me from my job, sure enough, and that sounds appealing (though a job is uniquely useful come time to pay for things like groceries, lodging, transportation – anything and everything, really), but these Run Away and Start Over fantasies would never really take me away from myself.
And it would also mean leaving behind precious things.
More accurately: precious people.
People I love dearly and don’t see nearly often enough as it is — let alone if I were to pick up and head off to Who Knows Where and do Who Knows What for Who Knows How Long. So this whole fantasy can be filed under “Unlikely to Succeed.” Cross-reference under “Unlikely to Occur.”
So now in these small hours when I need to get back to bed — still time, perhaps, for one more sleep cycle, perhaps even with dreams — and as I go, I pray for all the people I love. People near. People far. Even at least one People I have not met yet.
Each one with worries and struggles and needs He knows and cares for.
I am praying for you.
And for some reason, this also settles me.
Filed under the Goodness of God. Cross reference at Glorious.