faith, flotsam

Have yourself a merry little breakdown

It was getting on in the evening yesterday when my phone rang. It was Sis, checking in on some details, and then sorry both for the fact that I was still working  and for interrupting that work. I on the other hand was just happy to hear her voice, and more than welcomed the short break. I had needed it.

Then I wrapped up a few odds and ends for the office, logging off and finally put myself to bed ridiculously late. Clearly I was a bit out of it by then, as evidenced by the fact I fought the alarm this morning, staggered bleary-eyed to the bathroom, and only after I had brushed my teeth looked down and realized that I had slept, not in my pajamas, but in the shirt I wore to work yesterday. Oh, and the TV was still on, as apparently I had only switched off the cable box.

I dread to think what the emails I sent last night said. You know what? I’m not going to look. It will only stress me out, and life is too short and already stressful enough.

Never mind the holiday stress that so many are feeling. That’s just a bonus. There’s a lot on my plate at work lately. All of it time sensitive, high visibility, high priority.  High stress, in other words, and between the deadlines and the obstacles and the constant fear that I am letting things fall apart, I have not been dealing all that well lately.

(Granted, my hormones will throw me off too… typically there’s 2-3 days of the month that I’m just beside myself with off-the-charts stress even over small things. It’s the sort of thing where I try to check the calendar, see if it’s my mind & body at war throwing me off my game, try to talk myself in off the ledge and then feel vindicated a few days later when my body finally cracks and gives me some sign that it was just the hormones after all.  Alas, no, this has been a solid month – at least – of stress-induced insanity.)

My praying friends will, I trust, pray for and with me…

  • for relief, comfort, strength…
  • for God to deliver because He can and I can’t (and never could)…
  • with thanksgiving for the fact that being at the end of myself, being so-very-aware-with-every-breath that I literally cannot accomplish what is before me to do to meet the needs of those who are depending on me — but that all things are possible in Him and through Him, and that I can fully depend on Him in every circumstance — is actually a very good place to be. (Not always comfortable, but very Good nevertheless.)

Amid all this — and yes, I know, I don’t really have it any worse than anyone else and in many ways I have it far, far easier — I have been neglecting my relationships. Sleeping through weekend plans. Not getting in touch with the people I love and value… and how will they know they are loved and valued if we’re never in touch?!?

How will you know, indeed?

OK, so this is no substitute for really being there. For this I apologize. I have not forgotten my family and friends and friends-who-are-family. I have thought of you and missed you and prayed for you. I just haven’t been good about telling you so.

I hope your Christ-mas is full of every joy and blessing. I hope the New Year brings with it wonderful moments that add up to wonderful times and wonderful experiences. I hope we’ll see and talk and be together soon.

And who knows? Maybe I’ll even get back to blogging in 2014?

Thanks for everything, my friends!

2 thoughts on “Have yourself a merry little breakdown”

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