The night before my friends came to dinner, I dreamed.
I dreamed that I was back with my ex. When I woke — angry both at him and at myself and not sure which of us more so — it took me a moment to relax into the knowledge that it was just a dream.
That we didn’t reconcile or get remarried to each other.
That my life is no longer this exercise in mutual disrespect.
What is odd, though, is that when I woke up, details still vivid of this dream, I could suddenly remember sketchy details of other dreams. In which, apparently in any number of iterations, we’d reconciled or remarried each other or were otherwise trying to make it work.
Poorly at best: Apparently my sleeping mind cannot envision a universe in which both we individually and our dynamic together is sufficiently transformed to enable better outcomes. We still undermine each other… though in my dreams I’m more aware of the ways I’m failing than I ever was back when it mattered.
This is not new knowledge. I’ve had plenty of time by now to work through the patterns, and what I brought to them.
The thing about being A New Creation is that you are sometimes given the chance see, with increasing clarity, all the ways you once were and are, in your own strength, entirely prone to acting like the Same Old Creation.
But once I was fully awake, all that morning strangeness didn’t throw me off track for the joyous coming of company. And all the work-stress dreams and anxieties that are coming this week… well maybe today’s meeting will – by grace and grace alone – go well and set a good tone and solid grounding for the project overall.
One can hope. One can pray. I’ll do both.